The Fear and Desirability of Love

The Desirability of Love

beautiful-girl-among leaves

Addictive to love. Being in love can be euphoric, comparable to the endorphin released feel-good experience of a runner’s high. Neuroscientists for instance suggest with such feel -good activities dopamine is released to mediate the pleasure of this experience. You and your brain become suitably rewired by dopamine as it stimulates you to continue to seek out this pleasurable activity in an effort to maintain this state. In other words, you become addicted to love.

Love is a desirable state. Søren Kierkegaard the father of existentialism suggested that people accessed their best selves in a loving, committed relationship (Big Link accessed 01.04.17). Love is therefore to be desired and not just a grand idea as Rizzolo explained her book Splendor from Ashes. However, falling in love after a painful experience is hard. While to find the courage to love again is admirable – to let one’s guard down like this – can be likened to the irresponsible actions of  a recovering addict who potentially compromises his/her hard work towards sobriety by venturing into spaces that need to be off limits after recovery.

couple-wanting to loveConfronted with the possibility of loving again conjures up past hurts for some. But then love is a high-risk investment, the risks are high but so too are the possibilities for reaping rich dividends. Should one become imprisoned within protective impenetrable walls of one’s one own making one would not be able to draw down on the  potential high yields; the outcomes of investing in love.

The truth of Lived Experience.  The respected psychologist Kiekergard also said truth is not about discovering objective facts independent of lived experiences.  You may be the possessor of objective facts but these facts may rob one of the beauty of one’s own subjective experiences. The truth- your truth – is found in how you allow yourself relate to your experiences (Big Link accessed 01.04.17).

Lovelorn girlin white on park benchLove is scary. Contemplating the exposure of oneself to love and the involved raw emotions once more is scary. However, paradoxically I have found that wholeness comes to those who have the courage to allow themselves to be vulnerable again. Moreover, loving seems to be a natural human motivation; we seem to be driven by innate desire to love again and beloved. Psychologist Maslow’s hierarchy of needs theory supports this idea and recognizes a clear relationship between love and self esteem. The push towards love then is an indicator of increased self esteem and the acquisition of the psychological freedom to grow.

Ambivalent about love. As one who had loved before I became cautious to the point of being ambivalent in my feelings towards loving again. When I decided I was ready for love again I wanted this person to be my intellectual equal, share my belief system and of course love me to pieces. These poems reflect the fear and inner transactions as I wrestled with fears that accompanied this resolution. (The names accompanying each poem are merely textual devices)

  use with abuse story

Love is scary. While contemplating the exposure of oneself to love and involved raw emotions, once more is scary, paradoxically I have found that wholeness comes to those who have the courage to allow themselves to be vulnerable again. Moreover, loving seems to be a natural human motivation/drive; we seem to be driven by innate desire to love again and beloved. Psychologist Maslow hierarchy of needs theory supports this idea and recognizes a clear relationship between love and esteem. The push towards love then is an indicator of increased self esteem and the acquisition of the psychological freedom to grow.

Not afraid t o love black man

Ambivalent about love

As one who had loved before I became cautious to the point of being ambivalent in my feelings towards loving again. When I decided I was ready for love again I wanted this person to be my intellectual equal, share my belief system and of course love me to pieces. These poems reflect the inner transactions as I wrestled with fears that accompanied this  resolution. (The names are merely textual devices)

  

To Russell

I enjoyed making you coffee

And watching you take your tea

I wanted to cook you dinner

But you were hesitant

To let it be

 

I wanted no intellectual

I simply wanted you

But you misread my benign teasing

And drove a wedge between

That which could have been

Afraid of love. 2+jpg

To Larry

Your love

Makes me feel ethereal

Feminine and flirty

And ecstatic and sexy and…

 

I see it in your eyes

The love you speak about

And my heart leaps within

My woman’s breast in response

 

I wish for all things,

On the strength of the promise

I see in your eyes

And God knows I want to respond

 

But I am afraid to love you

For love is so fleeting

Temporary, painful, stifling

And oh so disappointing

 

My love when it comes will be genuine

And bounded in the truth of my being

Is your truth and your love

Rooted in the real truth, in God’s truth?

 

Is your love expendable, transient

Exploitative, harsh and unmusical?

Or is it gentle, soft, freeing, selfless,

Durable and, kissable like God’s love?

goodbye

 

 

 

 

To Glen

 

Before the Night Comes

A tentative hope nagged at the hemline of my heart

Like a stranger in midst of a gathering darkness

And I grope among the dead fetuses

To find my way before the night comes

 

And as so many times before

Hope ignites and dusts distant dreams

From the cobwebs of disenchantment

And statistical mismanagement

 

Dreams of love and rightness once more

Are redeemed from well worn pages

Are redefined by the new and the strange

And are placed now within my range

 

Oh but I have been here before

Where smiles become engulfed by familiar cynicism

Doomed to be stillborn

In the interstices of our beliefs

 

And my belief is me,

And his belief is him,

And though I want mine to be his

Oh, he vows it will never be

 

But I feel like I’ve met a kindred soul

Must this thing so beautiful and so delicate

Be doomed at its very dawning?

I know I must walk away but I don’t want to

 

 

 

 

 

68 thoughts on “The Fear and Desirability of Love

  1. First, your post is beautifully written. And wow, at how you put yourself out there. Amazing. Seriously. I wish I had the courage to put myself out there like that.

    Just FYI, you have 2 paragraphs (Love is Scary and Ambivalent about Love) that repeat. I’m sure this was unintentional and merely part of the editing process, but I thought you would want to know.

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  2. Love is scary! Even being married anything can happen. You put yourself out there but you never know how the other person is feeling. But love is worth it.

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  3. I agree…sometimes love can get scary. This was a very beautiful read for my on a Saturday evening 🙂
    Keep the good work coming in!

    Prajakta

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  4. Love is such a crazy thing. And we act in so many crazy ways. Sometimes we act crazy when we are in love with another. And sometimes we act crazy when love is given to us. I do agree that to love it worth it. But the repeated pain does make one weary.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I really enjoy your post. True love is a wonderful thing, but it can be scary. To quote C.S. Lewis, “To love at all is to be vulnerable”. However, learning how to truly love someone, even the person’s flaws, is beautiful. Thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for sharing your poems. They are raw and show real feeling. Falling in love after a painful relationship is very hard. I met my current husband after and abusive and tumultuous relationship. We were high school sweethearts that were always meant to be and he brings out my better side.

    Liked by 1 person

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